NEW MOM WOES

I will be as honest as I can.  It took a while for me to get used to the idea that I am a Mom, that I am somebody's mother.  The moment the hospital staff handed me my baby in the OR ( I delivered through C-Section), there was no sudden surge of tears as I realized this little bundle just came out of my belly, that this tiny living being is mine.  I did not cry. Not at all.

That alone made me wonder.  They all say once you hold your baby in your arms, the first skin to skin, eye to eye contact, it will be pure, indescribable joy.  I did not feel that at all.  No euphoria. No eureka-finally you're-here moment.  All I felt was the grogginess, the effect of the anesthesia.  I just wanted to sleep. Maybe for twenty-four hours straight.  

The hospital I was in has this practice of handing you the baby at once and encouraging some sort of  initial breastfeeding session to teach the baby to latch. No ifs or buts. But all I had in my mind was 'I need to sleep. Take her away until I have rested. Maybe for a day.'  Of course, I never said that out loud, but I wish I had.  All I could hear was my baby crying her lungs out and myself fighting to fend off dizziness.Just take her away, was all I silently wished for.  

This scenario in my head kept on playing for the first two weeks of my baby's life.  Even when we got home and the reality had set in that I have a baby to care for, to feed, to bathe, to soothe, it became overwhelmingly scary.  I am responsible for this tiny being's life! I felt like I was sinking in the depths of a vast ocean and there were no oars to get ahold of. This was not the ideal set-up I had in my mind when I was pregnant.  This was  no bed of roses.  Not at all.

I struggled with the challenges of motherhood.  I crave sleep.  I am a person who values sleep so much that I absolutely cried when I could not get any.  My baby demanded so much of my time, day and night, that sleeping straight for even an hour seems almost impossible. Plus, the constant feeding, burping, changing diapers, putting her to sleep and then doing it all over again took its toll on my health.  I was weak and lethargic. My goodness, it was becoming endless! 

 

My baby is now two months old. She smiles, she coos, she hugs.. She could now even engage in baby conversations ( of course, only sounds could come out of her tiny lips).  These are now my rewards.  She smiles and then everything falls back into place again.

  It's a continuing struggle, still.  There are highs and lows. There will be challenges ahead.  I may cry. I may break down, but this is my life now.  There is a baby completely dependent on me. I have realized, as my maternal instincts slowly anchored in, that I could drop everything, every possible thing, to be with her.  

YES, INDEED, I AM A MOTHER.